My Fears and Hesitations about Moving...Internationally

The last few weeks (months actually) I've been dealing with appointments and checklists to get ready for our international PCS (Permanent Change of duty Station) to Okinawa, Japan. The biggest stress is of how little importance people place on the things we rely on to get done. For example, we all need physicals, vaccines etc. to be Japan ready. I have gone through all this. I am missing one stinking piece of paper that allows me this clearance. I'm not sure why my doctor "isn't finished with my paper" (on a routine physical), but we're supposed to leave in a week and I'm not cleared to go to Japan. It's very scary. My life is literally in this doctor's hands and he couldn't care less.

Assuming my day goes right tomorrow, and "Mad Mommy mode" gets stuff done, tomorrow the first of our stuff gets packed and shipped out early. It's very emotional to me. This is our "send ahead" shipment so we can have our essentials immediately. We're allowed 400 lbs, half of which is dedicated to issued crap that never gets used. I have wisely chosen that our daily cooking gears gets priority. I'm hoping there's enough space for my beloved coffeemaker.  What do I do if there's no room? Live without my coffeemaker for 2 months?  I use it every single day. Although it's slightly comforting that I can have the essentials immediately, it's sad that I still have to do without while we're still here.

The rest of our stuff leaves the day after Easter. We will be sleeping on the floor for over a week. I won't have my stuff for 6 weeks. It may seem like such a short time, but it's my stuff. Call me materialistic, but it's my beloved items: my books that I love so dearly and reference a lot, my beading hobby that gives me such comfort, my baking supplies that gives me joy and spreads that joy to all my friends. I am willing to sacrifice OUTFITS and SHOES to pack this stuff in my luggage.

I know it's just "stuff" but it IS my life. I sit here with a smile on my face as we list all of our furniture that we've filled our house with in the classifieds. Re-buying furniture is a little exciting for the interior decorator inside me, but how do I choose what's the most important? How do I add value to the things that give me comfort? I have to say goodbye to the hobbies I do the balance my life, and I have to sacrifice it, not only for our weight limit, but to make sure our daughter doesn't feel this anxiety as she watches her stuff leave, and has to do without it.

When we get there, the Marine Corps does its best to make us at home while we wait for our household. We will have loaner furniture until ours arrives...Do I really want to sleep on a loaner bed? Do I want my sheets touching that? 

As any trip, it's exciting and scary. 9 hours with a 4 year old is scary. Trying to buy train tickets and get on the right train in a foreign country with a strange language is scary. This island will be very Americanized. The whole island is practically an American base itself. I'm not worried about a communication barrier that much, but what about cultural practices. Will my existence be offending? Will I carry myself well in our culture, and be completely rude and appalling in theirs?

Another stress in my life, as I face all these scary changes, I have to say goodbye to my friends. I have to miss important events. It will be sad to leave and just as sad for them. When I first told my family about this move, they were so excited, and that made me so angry. I was so unhappy about this move, but that was the best thing for me. It doesn't help all the people telling me not to go, or how much they don't want me to go. It also doesn't help everybody asking me "When are you coming to see us?" I've gone to my hometown twice recently, both trips, with the intention of saying goodbye and getting my family fix. It's just another one of those things where I feel like everyone wants all of me, and it's never enough. I have to more time or energy to give. I don't get enough sleep, there aren't enough hours in the day.

It also doesn't help when everyone asks about how the disaster will affect us. Obviously, they ARE sending us. That redundant "Well duh" question answers itself the moment I say I'm going. Also, thanks to everyone for reminding me of the scary earthquakes, aftershocks, tsunamis and radiation that Japan is experiencing. That doesn't help at all ease my mind about this move that I didn't want in the first place.

I have tried to be positive for so long, but people do get to you, no matter how strong. i will continue with this move with grace. Yes, I will be going, I will NOT be separating my family for the selfishness of others wanting me to stay. My family has been separated enough by leaving our loving dog and cat behind.

In the last few days, it's getting VERY real. I'm very nervous and anxious. I want my last few days here to be happy. I just want to remember all my friends. I don't want to talk about the move anymore, unless there's some encouragement and positive thoughts about it.  I've been having the same repetitive conversation for months.